HARD/HEART ISSUE

Difficult Heart Issue:

I struggled some with what to name this entry, because I knew due to my own frustrations and confusion I could end up all over the place. I can't believe I'm even recording this in this blog because it’s really personal and I don't want to be judged wrongly for what I may say. But I've got to get it out, it may shed some light or help someone else find common ground in different areas of their life. So here goes!

I'm becoming very frustrated and very confused as to why My husband and I have not received our promise Child or Children yet? I know that some promises take longer than others and that there would be no need for faith if everything came to us as quickly as we asked or as quickly as it was promised. But waiting on the conception and the birth of these kids is really starting to become tiresome.(for me anyway) Darius and I have been married for almost 10 years and to my knowledge I have not once been pregnant. Sure, I know naturally speaking what problems could have prevented that. I've known for a while.

I'm a strong believer in what God can do! Nothing is too hard for him and if he can impregnate a virgin and send strength and conception to the womb of a 90 year old woman??? Come on? Why wouldn't I believe that he can bless me to conceive with NO HELP FROM THE DOCTORS. W hich is what I want more than anything. So I believe, which is all we're asked to do. Now, then there's the enduring faith, that long-suffering faith that says no matter how long it takes I'm gonna wait on the Lord. I feel I've done that, I've strengthen my self time and time again, I've stayed busy in the ministry, I've rejoiced with every single couple in that church that has had children and was not jealous, I was genuinely happy for them. I haven't worn out my Pastor with countless counseling sessions of why, why, why, and what's taking so long? I've just waited and talked with my spouse about it.

I convince my self that "Its just not my time yet, God's time is best and it is going to be something greater than what anyone could imagine" So I busy my self in the ministry and wait. Of course every single month when I get that awful visitor I'm reminded that the clock ticks on......Then God remembers me in various services and reminds me through our prophet that I will conceive and it will be soon! I am revived again!!! And then more time passes by and I think "that's okay…our timing is not his timing"...Then I get another reminder from the Prophet… Not many days hence and you will be giving us that testimony and I think yes! Here it comes, but also I’m thinking in the back of my mind.. "How many days from hence is that?" because not only am I waiting, others are watching me as well and asking me every other month. Anything yet? As they glance down at my belly? And I spin off my famous line, "You won't have to ask trust me." So I hold on to the words of the prophet, and the days of soon grow wider and wider. I think Lord how many days is soon to you? I know our timing is not the same but if you could at least give me big clue. I'm 31 years old. I have a lot of things going on in my life, and I deal with a lot. Sometimes I think well "Maybe you just aren't ready for kids, and God knows this better than I do?" Then I say, well thank you Lord and I press on. But then I do the big NO NO and say "well that couldn't be it, look at everyone else, they surely weren't ready for kids either and that didn't stop God from giving them children?" Then I shake my self once more and say, “God is a just God, He can't Lie.” He has no favorites.

“It must be us?” “We must be doing something to prolong this thing?” So I pray diligently and truthfully as I know how. I ask God to reveal if it’s us, and I hear nothing! Not from Him in my spirit or from our Pastor regarding that. So, I am definitely confused. I have no idea what's going on. I know these kids are coming but when? I look at the news and there is horror all around. Wars, horrible murders, unthinkable homicide acts, I mean everything the bible predicted would happen in the end times are happening right now! And on one hand I'm like "who wants to raise kids in this horrible world?"
And I think how long will I have my children 2, 6, 10 years? This world is so wicked, I feel he’s going to show up any day now?” But then I find my self still wanting my children. I feel that no matter how short the time I would've still experienced being a Mother to by-products of the love Darius, and I share for each other.

So as you can see I am in and out of weariness regarding this issue. I don't' know what to think, I'm confused at times, because I don't know how much longer, but I'd rather forget about it and be surprised, but that's hard to do considering the monthly reminders when I don't conceive. I could go to the doctors month after month and try to make something happen for my self but I really want to see God put those kids in there without me having to use infertility treatments, and I’d rather not deal with the stress that comes with that.

So if there’s anyone reading this that can get a prayer through to God pray for me! Sure I'm alright, I'm still happy, I'm a joyful person but for those moments of weakness I need someone else to be praying for me, besides me!